How to Hide Your Porn
Believe it or not, there are women out there who appreciate and enjoy pornography. If you're not married to either of them, you'd best keep your stash well hidden. The most effective strategies for the twenty-first-century pornophile can be summed up in two words: Go digital.
Move to DVDs
The jump from videos to DVDs is not just a revolution in sound and picture quality (as well as in scanning convenience), but also presents the greatest advance in porn concealment I since the invention of the mattress. Here's how it works:
1. Go to your local Staples or OfficeMax and buy a bunch of double-disk jewel cases for CDs.
2. Grab a few of your CDs off the shelf, open up the cases, and pop out the disk holders.
3. Replace them with the new double-disk holder, and conceal the DVD in the hidden space in the back for the second CD.
4. Close the insert, replace the original CD, and return the case to its spot.
Of course, as with videos, the central challenge is not necessarily keeping the disks hidden, but remembering to remove them from the player and put them back afterward. This is a tough one to get around, especially considering that the male brain can't even control basic motor skills while orchestrating an orgasm, let alone remember put the DVD back. Your best bet here is to pin a note to your sleeve that reads "Put your porn away, jackass".
Keep in mind that this is a very versatile maneuver, and can be used for things other than porn. For example, if you're a closet Britney Spears or Patrick Swayze fan, you can always use this technique to hide bubblegum pop and chick flicks behind your Grand Funk Railroad and Motley Crue CDs, or any other disks you know she'll never open.
Get Online
Now, online porn seems like the panacea men have been waiting for. The problem with online porn is that much of your activity online is easy to deduce. One way to cover your tracks is to delete the "history" on your browser. Your history is found in the drop-down box at the top of the browser window, and shows all the URLs you've visited recently. Of course, deleting all your history is just as conspicuous as leaving www. Pornmakesmylifebearable.com out there for all to see. So, after you delete your history, be sure to do a little nonporn surfing so it's not too obvious that you're hiding something. If you use Internet Explorer, here's how to delete your history:
At the very top of your browser, click "Tools" and select "Internet Options."
lick the "Clear History" button and then click "Yes" to confirm the command.
If you use a different browser, just search the "Help" index B to find out how to delete your lurid browsing history.
Before You Trash Your Old Stash ?
Now don't go throwing away all your old magazines and videos just yet. They've still got some life left in them. Gather everything together, pack it up in a box, and be sure the top is securely taped closed. Label it somewhat conspicuously (something only slightly more covert than "My Secret Porn Stash" will do) and keep it "hidden" in a place where your wife is sure to find it. When she does find it, two things can happen (both of which work in your favor).
Outcome A: She'll be shocked and appalled. In this case you sheepishly state, "I haven't looked at that stuff since we got married," making sure she notices the packing tape, and throws it all away. You get points for self-improvement, and she feels personally responsible for it.
Outcome B: She'll give you a sly grin and start nipping through your stash. In this case, you've hit the jackpot and you won't be needing my help anymore!
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